Gift baskets are out of date!  Or is it that they’re just plain boring?  My fervent hope is that you’ll eventually come to the conclusion that both statements are wrong.  I’m actually a gift food merchant.  Kind of has a special ring to is, doesn’t it?  While I agree that it’s not quite the same as being a test pilot or a neurosurgeon, it’s an honest way to pay for tuition for my grandson.  Or at least it would be a good way to do so if more of you bought my products.

I know what you’re thinking: “All of his gift problems are solved; year in and year out everybody on his list gets stuck with another gift basket.”  How dare you think about me in that way!  I actually have the same problems you have in deciding what gift is best for everyone on my list.

I do not give food filled bundles of joy to my entire gift list.  Even if I did just give gift baskets to everyone, my choice would be only marginally easier than yours.  At my store, we offer scores of fruit baskets, gourmet meals, wine gift baskets and far more than that, even.  (I can hear you right now, begging me to tell you where this wonderful store is.  Please be patient.)

Before you coerce me into giving away my store location, I want to share my own decision making strategy with you.

First, I decide on an appropriate category of gift.  If Uncle Milton really has managed to eliminate his drinking problem after a decade of trying, I should not even consider the wine baskets.  Instead, I’ll opt for a fruit basket with something seasonal.  After years of ignoring the nutritional value of what he consumed, he could use a few extra servings of fruit in solid form.

Dear, dear Aunt Mildred is a great wine talker.  I don’t think she truly enjoys sipping her wine, but she loves to try to impress everyone with what she knows about it.  She thrills to have a new member of her audience so that she can explain what makes a good vintage year, the varieties of grapes that are used in her favorite blends and, especially, how much she paid for each bottle (as well as how much she paid for the carpeting you just ruined by spilling your glass).  She’ll get a simple wine gift basket, but I’m not going to spring for the champagne!  (I’m also not going to pay for the carpet cleaning; not after what that cat of hers did to my new coat.)

Everyone in our family, except me, says that my nephew Alfred finally made his girlfriend an honest woman.  I, on the other hand, never doubted his girlfriend’s honesty, but I have some reasons to suspect Alfred.  In any case, they finally got married.  To tell you the truth, even I agree that it’s about time.  Alfred spent the last eight years trying to decide if she was worth the cost of a diamond ring.  (I suspect that he eventually settled on crystal, which, considering Alfred, would be thought of as generous.)  What he wants is a check.  Well, he’s not getting that from me.  Instead, they’re getting a meal of live lobsters and the trimmings from me.  Actually two, of course.  My thinking is that this is the only way to get his bride out of the kitchen.  Alfred would never pay for a restaurant meal, so, in a sense, I’m sending the restaurant to them.

My second step, after choosing a category is to select a price range that I’m willing to spend on these people.  Then my wife makes me double that amount.

My perfect grandson isn’t getting a food gift.  I’m getting him the latest cell phone system, complete with an unlimited calling plan.  I would get him a sports car if only you would buy a lot more gift baskets!